Apparently, if you have a baby, even if they baby doesn’t survive, you will have crazy stuff happen like not forgetting to turn off the stove, and not being able to concentrate, and when you think something is totally wrong with you, the doctors will all say, “It takes time to heal.”
Except it feels like forever. I lost the baby at the end of August, and even coming here, it said on the posts that it was four months ago. August was almost three months ago. I feel like I should be better. I feel like simple routines like closing the garage door when I go into the house should fall out my ear and disappear. I feel like I shouldn’t have to ask my phone to remind me of the simplest of tasks, just because I have Swiss cheese brain.
Yesterday, I had my thyroid checked due to some difficulties last year. I was actually hoping for a thyroid issue. My weight has increased drastically (in my opinion), despite food tracking. I forget everything. My train of thought is constantly derailed. I will start one task and go to another, then come back to the first task because I forgot or something. I had a few other symptoms of hypothyroidism. But after paying the $10 co-pay, the doctor told me he didn’t actually need to see me. I got the whole healing speech again. I think he agreed to test my levels just to humor me.
It’s bad enough I feel the underlying anger and hurt. Yesterday, we went to a restaurant, and my husband and I ended up sitting next to a baby. A baby that kept getting louder and louder, trying to get mom’s attention. We ended up leaving. We were that couple that just wanted to enjoy a meal, and why can’t people control their kids. And I totally understand family coming into town and you want to be out and chatting, and sure, the baby wasn’t crying, but still. We couldn’t help but discuss what we would have done differently. I think we are both angry. And I want to not feel angry. I want to feel normal again.
I want my brain back.